


Out There: Short Stories

by melianthegreat



Category: The Grand Tour (TV) RPF, Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Angst and Feels, Being Lost, Lost Love, M/M, Romance, Science Fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:01:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22071451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melianthegreat/pseuds/melianthegreat
Summary: A series of stories based on tracks from Alone in the Universe by ELO.
Relationships: Richard Hammond/James May
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12





	1. When I Was A Boy

**Author's Note:**

> In 2015, after many years just being one of the greatest songwriters and producers in the world, Jeff Lynne released an ELO album called Alone in the Universe. It's interesting how the songs had some connection to my writing about my favorite subject (and fanfic couple). So here are a collection of drabbles/short stories/reflections based on the tracks from that album, however tenuous the connection.
> 
> I highly recommend listening to this album if you can find it online or YouTube if you want to get an of some of the influences.

_Richard was the first the ship chose to awaken, a preprogrammed clock determining when someone had to make sure the more important, more qualified people woke up properly. He was simply along for the ride, to record all of it for future posterity. Perhaps his great-great-great grandchildren would read about it, he didn't know. He would never know them, but somehow his account would make its way to them._

_Honestly, he didn't think he'd ever qualify for this. He applied, trained, sat through countless interviews and assessments and evaluations, but at some point he thought they'd find something to say he wasn't right. They'd get bored with the celebrity factor, say they were a serious operation with a serious purpose, and while having a well-known TV presenter upped their public image, surely he wasn't serious about it himself. But he made it, he was here, sitting on a rocket ship going God-knows-where, never to return to Earth in corporeal form._

_He'd left behind his life. At heart Richard Hammond was an adventurer, and in order to achieve the ultimate adventure, he'd left behind his life. And until the others awoke, Richard had the chance to reflect._

**When I Was a Boy**

He was flying along the lanes on his bicycle, high on the thrill, loving the speed, knowing this sense of flight was the greatest feeling in the world. When he grew up he knew somehow going really fast was going to be his job, or at least he wanted it to be, he just wasn't sure how. Maybe he'd fix bikes, like he just had for his older brother Andy. It was Andy's bike he was testing now, making sure everything worked before giving it back to him.

The wheels skidded on gravel, and Richard knew he was going too fast to try a sudden stop. The bike's wheels made a sudden stop on their own, however, sending Richard sailing. Instinctively he put his hands down to break his fall. He felt the burning sting of ripping flesh when he landed.

He took a moment to gather himself and catch his breath, then sat up. There was blood on the gravel, so something was scraped, though it hurt slightly more than a simple scrape. He noticed the blood was dripping from his hand, and when he carefully turned his hand over he saw it was more than a scrape: the sharp rocks had ripped into his skin, leaving a jagged cut. There were also bits of white he could see, which could have been gravel and sand, but in his mind, that of a daredevil boy, that white was actually bone, and he'd have something to show off to all his friends. Picking up Andy's bike, Richard made sure nothing was broken on it, as he was certain his brother would kill him if he'd broken it worse than it had been before. Then he walked it home, blood dripping from his hand forming a type of blood trail from the site of the crash.

Later that night, his hand tended and dinner eaten and in bed for the night, Richard had trouble falling asleep. So he overheard the conversation between his parents.

"He's reckless," he heard his mother fret. "He's such a wee lad, he can get hurt so easily."

"Richard is a normal, adventurous boy," his father replied. "He's going to have accidents with bumps and bruises. And if you want to blame anyone for him being a daredevil, he takes after your father."

" _My_ father?" his mother shot back. "What about _your_ daredevil father?"

There was a pause. "Do you know it's all the fashion nowadays for the younger generation to blame all their problems on their parents?" his father stated. "Our sons might be the first to blame all their future problems on their grandparents." Then they'd laughed, which made Richard laugh in turn.

_He'd go on to write about his bike accident, how it got the suitable attention from his mates. He even went on to blame his daredevil streak on his grandparents. He didn't want to disappoint his parents after all._


	2. Love and Rain

_Richard sipped his tea and stared at the dark, at the expanse of stars and systems in the distance. The stars and the silence were indeed beautiful; the last time he'd been quite this taken about the lack of noise had been at the North Pole, riding along as dogs pulled him, viewing the empty, frozen emptiness around him and being moved by it, feeling small and humbled within the universe. He was feeling just as small and humbled now._

_There were small things Richard missed out here: the taste of the best tea--James certainly knew how to get the best taste out of fine teas. A perfectly poached egg--again, James, though his consciousness about his health told him long before he should cut back on eggs. Running in the early morning, before he'd broken his leg and the doctor wouldn't allow him to run. The purr of cats. The smell of freshly mown hay._

_He missed James, that wasn't a small thing, though circumstances took care of that long before he ended up here. Being back on Earth wasn't going to fix it._

_He missed the rain._

**Love and Rain**

It was their first holiday together. Illness and the legal flaming-hoop-jumping surrounding the divorce from Mindy was done, despite the divorce attorneys wanting to stir the pot and make more billable hours for themselves. Richard and James wanted to go somewhere warm, so they headed to Marbella. They rented a two bedroom cottage to avoid the asking of questions, then spent the next week enjoying themselves.

One afternoon they rented scooters and took a journey through the countryside. Granted, the puny engines in the scooters served to remind them these weren't motorbikes, but both men liked not being in a car, and liked keeping each other company. They had started out in the morning, the sun boiling the air around them. By the early afternoon the clouds had thickened, the air having grown soupy.

Richard and James pulled over for a break as the sky began to grow dark in the distance. "Why did we choose this place again?" Richard asked as he removed his helmet and wiped away sweat. "The air feels like I'm trying to breathe peanut butter."

"You're the one who wanted somewhere warm," James replied, removing his own helmet. He stood and stretched.

"Why did you let me talk you into it, then?"

James gave Richard a relaxed smile. "Because, I wanted to go somewhere warm, too." Richard chuckled. He was enjoying watching his lover on this holiday. He couldn't quite understand or explain it, but there was something decidedly different in James to the way he normally was. Richard had inexplicably fallen in love with a pedantic, compulsive Spaniel whose attitude suggested he was far older than their 6-year difference, this after many years simply being mates and co-workers. But here James was showing a side Richard had rarely seen outside the bedroom: he was serene, happy, truly happy. His sapphire blue eyes, which always seemed to glitter and dance when he was engaged with a matter, now included a warm internal glow when looking at the world around him and, most especially, when looking at Richard. James seemed to find humour in even the smallest things, something Richard noted had been missing for some time; Richard knew he had been a part of that--his indecision over being with James, his desire not to hurt his family either by leaving them or disclosing his infidelity or disclosing this new part of himself. He knew James' unhappiness for so long was his fault, but didn't know how to fix things without hurting others. Now, however, it was much better; James would never be as overtly exuberant as Richard, but life had a better outcome.

Looking off in the distance, Richard could see the dark skies and rain falling on faraway fields. "Maybe we should go back," he suggested. They restarted their scooters with the intention of heading back. A few miles down the road, however, the rain caught up to them. Just a few large drops at first, in seconds it turned into a classic downpour that pounded their helmets and splattered hard on the bodies of the scooters. The driving rain made it difficult to see clearly, so they were forced to stop at the side of the road and wait. Richard recalled their trip through Vietnam on motorbikes in the rainy season, how James complained incessantly about being wet and cold, and he fully expected the sour grumbling to begin just about any second.

Instead, he heard a surprising sound next to him, a laugh. James had removed his helmet and tilted his face toward the sky, letting the rain flow over him. There he was, the rain streaming through and soaking his hair, the warm downpour soaking them to the skin, through their clothes, and James had closed his eyes and the joyous, calm expression on his face said he _welcomed_ it, he _invited_ the deluge. There was no complaint, no grumbling, not even disappointment...only serenity and acceptance. Richard stared in wonder, knowing this was a moment of complete vulnerability from James, a moment he never let anyone see; James was open and free. It was such a special moment, the sun now emerging as the rain continued to pour down, giving everything including the compulsive Spaniel next to him a shimmering glow, as if dipped in clear gold, that it was instantly entered Richard's long-term memory. And a voice deep inside told Richard he had to stay with James the rest of his life, because he had to see another moment like this again, no matter how long it took to happen, because this moment was so unique.

The rain lessened, making the ride a bit safer. James shook the wet hair from his eyes and put his helmet on again, still giving Richard a gentle look. Then, without a word he restarted his scooter and drove away.

_During times of loneliness, when the dark threatened to close in on him, Richard still pulled out this unexpected memory of love. Who knew love and rain could ever be this compatible?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to think I know the moment in the song that James removes his helmet. :)


	3. Dirty to the Bone

_Behind him, off in the background, Richard could hear the paddings of various feet as other members of the crew awoke and left their pods. There were also various complaints about the cold floor, how getting older didn't make the awakening process any easier, and sarcastic remarks on how "the writer"--meaning him--hadn't managed to crash the ship while they were still asleep. Even in space his reputation preceded him, Richard considered with some amusement._

_As he heard the showers running Richard checked the pods, making sure everyone was awake and out. He considered asking some of the idle crew if they wanted to play a board game before it was time to sleep himself: they couldn't be all work and no play, right? He remembered James could always be counted on for Monopoly, though what James could really be counted on was to figure out a way to cheat for his own gain._

**Dirty to the Bone**

"Your move, Hammo," James announced, making sure his rather considerable pile of money was all neat and tidy. Richard knew he was losing badly, but he also suspected that James had been pilfering from the Bank as usual to make his pile of money even bigger. Tonight was a slightly different way to play than they normally played. It was typical for Jeremy to be there playing, but tonight Jeremy was busy. So instead James had suggested Strip Monopoly.

"Strip Monopoly?" Richard asked, cocking an eyebrow. "How do you play that?"

"Pretty much the same way we play regular Monopoly," James explained, "except, whenever you land on a property and can't pay the rent, you lose clothing. Whenever you go to Jail, you lose clothing. And if you land on Free Parking, you can dictate what the other loses."

Richard gave a wicked laugh at that. He didn't seem to mind James' cheating this time.

The game had gone on awhile, and Richard seemed to be losing clothes consistently, though he'd managed to land on Free Parking a few times. Both men were in various states of undress and increasingly having trouble concentrating on the game. Richard was doing quite well with Marvin Gardens with houses, along with St. Charles and Virginia Avenue with hotels, while James had the whole bottom row. James' pile of money continued to grow at the same time the number of Hammond's garments continued to shrink.

Then...Richard landed on Park Place, with a hotel. By this time Richard was sitting at the kitchen table in just his briefs. James said nothing, simply glancing at his husband meaningfully, an instant glance downward then into Hammond's eyes. Richard sighed dramatically, making a show of it, then he stood and slowly pulled his briefs down and off, making sure James got a very good look at his nudity. James kept a cool expression on his face, but Richard noticed the fire burn inside his blue eyes. The heat of that gaze told Richard everything he needed to know, that the "cheating" was a part of the game, and the game itself was a game. James was never the kind to simply demand Richard strip for him, it just wasn't quite his style. There had to be a pretense, hence a game where the object was to get him naked, and James made damn sure Richard was the one who lost his clothes. Only a genius mind like the one James May possessed could think of something so convoluted, and Richard admired the hell out of it.

"I guess," Richard nonchalantly stated, "that you have me exactly how you want me."

"Not quite, Hammond," James replied, his deep voice a couple of octaves deeper and his eyes getting darker by the second. "You haven't found out what you had to do if you'd landed on Boardwalk, with hotels."

There was a pause. "You never asked Jezza to come over, did you?" Richard asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

James shook his head. "Not really."

Richard smiled and nodded as he absorbed the answer. "So, what would have happened if I'd landed on Boardwalk?" he asked. James said nothing else, but looked Richard straight in the eyes. Richard could read exactly what he was supposed to do, something he quite enjoyed doing with the man he loved very much. With a wicked chuckle he slowly slipped under the kitchen table...

_There were times James played quite dirty. And Richard didn't mind one damned bit. He loved to watch James when this happened, how there was a lighter tone in his voice when he felt mischievous; quite often it was Hammond who was on the receiving end of that mischief, usually something done to his car while filming. Then James would do what he could later to smooth over any ruffled feathers over the venture. Hammond was usually on the receiving end of that, too._

_God, the mischief James could get up to here._


	4. When the Night Comes

_Richard set about preparing his chamber for sleep, as he had been instructed. He and a few others were doing this, as they had been operating other parts of the ship in their own small capacity (most of it was automated). And now that it was their turn, nobody seemed very eager to simply go into their chambers and hibernate for six months. And wasn't the entire crew in hibernation when it happened?_

**When the Night Comes**

There was a time, when Richard's brain was still healing, when everything was still slotting itself into place, that he had trouble sleeping. And it threw him nearly into a panic when it happened.

He was back at work now, needing the work to make himself normal again. That also meant Mindy was in Wales with the girls and he was stuck in London in his flat during the week, trying to sleep on his own and failing. He had to be at Dunsfold early, it was Wednesday, which meant a taping with the audience, and it was going to take a lot more makeup to not make him look like shit on camera. Who was he kidding, though, really? It was going to show, no matter how much makeup--he was fooling everyone into thinking he was getting back to normal when he clearly wasn't normal at all. And if he could see it, Andy and Jeremy could. They'd stuck their necks out for him, risked their careers and reputations on the idea Richard was essential, that he could get better and come back, that the show needed to wait. And all he was doing was proving the naysayers right. Eventually the Powers That Be would decide enough was enough, that he just couldn't do it anymore. He'd be given some compensation, but once the money had run out, what was he to do, since his livelihood was gone? There were kids to support and a roof to keep over their heads, and he really couldn't have Mindy fight this battle, too, she was already carrying a load.

Richard rolled over to stare at the clock, seeing it was nearly 2 in the morning. The mobile was next to the clock on the nightstand. For a few minutes Richard ran through a list in his head of who he could call. Mindy was clearly out--not only was she a pretty sound sleeper once she fell asleep, she had to be up early herself to get Izzy ready for nursery school, plus dealing with Willow. Jeremy was a possibility, since he was a chronic insomniac. No, he told himself; at this hour Jeremy would realize something really was wrong, he'd insist on coming over from his flat, then he wouldn't leave until he'd gotten the truth, and then Richard would have to reveal how fucked-up he really was, which could lead to an equally awkward conversation with Andy and a review of just how fit Richard really was to return and whether any of this had been a good idea.

Of course if neither Mindy or Jeremy were a good idea, that left James. And that led to a series of questions. As in: why did the idea of calling James May in the middle of the night feel so comforting? For the longest time, whenever he really missed being home because work had kept him away too long, or he'd decided to go out drinking, he'd end up in Hammersmith, stumbling into the strange house with the downstairs toilet, where its occupant occasionally repaired a motorcycle engine on the kitchen table and entertained Richard by playing the piano. James was a good enough mate to take him in and offer him a bucket to throw up in and offer him paracetamol in the morning for his hangover and make him breakfast, even poached eggs (even though Richard could be fussy about poaching eggs). But why was that not enough now? Why did he start to look at that odd house as the safest port in a storm of his own device? He was certain James wouldn't mind a call or text at such a late hour, but when did he start to think James would be okay with this?

These questions were running through his head when Richard closed his eyes. He pictured James standing over him, telling him everything would be alright. And feeling safe once again, Richard fell asleep.

_Richard stared at his chamber. The bed was comfortable, no doubt. And once he'd gone into hibernation, six months would feel like just a good night's sleep. But James wasn't going to comfort him here, telling him everything would be okay._

_A little while longer awake felt like a good idea right now._


	5. The Sun Will Shine on You

_Richard sat down with the other crew members who'd monitored the ship while everyone else hibernated, like him not too eager to rush to their pods.They drank the thin weak concoctions that passed for coffee and tea and stared out the window at the stars._

_"It really is beautiful," said Jones, "though, to be honest, a different view would be nice."_

_"It will be different," answered Cooper, "or at least I hope. "I'm sure we'll be in a different part of space by the time we wake up."_

_"At least I hope we'll have found a planet we can live on by that time," Harper chimed in. "I have to say, seeing nothing but the dark and distant stars can get a bit old. The idea of waking up to that is more than depressing."_

_Jones sighed. "Come on, did you have to remind me of Earth? I miss the sun." There was a moment of silence. "How about you, Hammond? Missing the sun, or do you prefer Welsh weather and rain all the time?"_

**The Sun Will Shine on You**

The first thing Richard became aware of as he slowly slipped awake was a breeze over his body, rippling across the sheet covering his legs. The breeze had a fresh scent to it, warm and green and inviting. He felt a warm weight next to him, a hand draping over his stomach, holding him close. Around him was the scent of clean sheets and the familiar scent of the one he loved, and he felt secure. Behind his still-closed eyelids he could perceive the brightness of the room; that meant there was morning sun. And he could hear birds singing. 

Turning toward the warm body next to him, Richard opened his eyes, pressing himself closer to it. This was his August holiday in France, and it was a nice beginning to his month. James was still asleep next to him, sleep smoothing out the lines on his face, giving his manly face beauty. Richard snuggled even closer; all those years not sleeping with him this way, only the times he'd shared a hotel room, sleeping in separate beds or sleeping bags, had never prepared him for this happiness. There was a sense of belonging to this he'd never remembered before, not even with Mindy. He didn't mean to discount her, God no; she had been the love of his life, until he realized James was the other love of his life. Richard would never dismiss how blessed he felt during those years with her, those years he'd come home from long trips working to find her there, welcoming him. Those years she'd run a household and raised two daughters practically by herself, thank you very much, and yet those two daughters were not the poster children for lack of propriety or the definition of misspent youth. That time of just being beside him, supporting him, fighting for him when he was unable to really do that himself until he healed and his brain got itself into a semblance of working order. Richard simply hadn't expected True Love to come to him twice. And Mindy had realized it before he did, knowing she could never force him to stay with her, knowing she could never demand he give it up and stay away, it was simply too strong, too real, too true. And so she'd become a new type of champion for him, fighting alongside him for acceptance and keeping the new love alive, helping to navigate rough waters when he found them. No, Richard could never dismiss the friendship of his ex-wife for what he had now with someone else. 

Above Richard came a contented sigh. Looking up he saw James slowly open his eyes and blink sleepily. Then James gave him a smile, one that was soft and gentle, all that James could manage when he first awoke. This was Richard's favourite moment with this man, a moment only Richard got to see, when James' blue eyes were dark and sleepy, watching as they slowly brightened and focused on the man in bed with him. Then would come that grin, full of happiness at what he saw, at the idea it wasn't a dream rather than a dream come true, that the one he wanted was in his arms. "Good morning," James said, his vocal cords not quite awake yet, giving a tone that was rough and deeper than his normal voice. 

"Good morning," Richard said back, reaching up to give him a kiss. They spent the next little while doing this, just soft kisses and caresses, wrapped up in each other, speaking to each other with tender words, until James fully awoke and he felt the call of the bathroom. And coffee. And as Richard turned on the hot water for the shower, he realized the room had darkened slightly despite the bright morning continuing to bathe the bedroom. 

James just seemed to make the room that much brighter for him. 

_"Missing the sun, or do you prefer Welsh weather and rain all the time?" Jones had asked Richard._

_Richard sighed. "Everything," he answered. Though more than anything he missed the sun James brought in when he first awoke in Richard's arms every morning. No matter what the weather outside, there was always sunlight in that bed. He'd never have that again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The crew members Jones, Cooper, and Harper are character references to Torchwood, an underrated and brilliant TV show in England that aired on the BBC. It has since become a series of audio dramas.


	6. Ain't It A Drag

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is language in this chapter. After all, I don't think these guys hold back much when they really get into it IRL.

_Jones, Harper, and Cooper had finished their conversation and left to begin their hibernation. Richard needed to record his video log, explaining what was next for him. Richard now sat alone, once again allowing himself to drift while staring at the stars. They were at the edge of the Solar System, soon to go into Interstellar space. Everything supposedly was different once you reach the edge of the galaxy, at least he learned that from the science documentaries he saw; he wondered just how different it would look to him once he came out of hibernation._

_In the silence around him, Richard could hear voices in the distance. The crew who had just come out of hibernation earlier had gathered in the conference room. Every now and then a voice would rise above the din, clear to Richard some type of disagreement was taking place. Richard didn't want to eavesdrop on a conversation that was clearly meant to be private, since the door to the room was closed and the meeting had started after it was assumed the others would be preparing their chambers, including himself. But Richard was a writer and naturally curious, so he sat in a chair closest to the hallway and tried to listen._

_"So who attempted programming the damned computer in the first place?" growled a male voice. "Was it you, Latimer? You idiot--you could fuck up a cup of tea with just a teabag and some hot water!"_

_"Of course you'd blame it on the programming," another male voice answered, who apparently was Latimer. "The programming was correct, the calculations as well, and the memory banks held it. The equipment is faulty, and whose responsibility is that, Morrow? If you weren't so busy licking his arse to get yourself put on this crew, you might have noticed the fault and it wouldn't have been installed!"_

_"Yet another shining example of military kickbacks and cost overruns on scientific projects," grumbled a third voice. "Doctor Sato, can the computer be repaired enough to at least send out a message? A sort of distress?"_

_"It could," Sato, a woman, answered heavily. "But we're in deep space, and getting deeper. We cannot achieve supersonic transmission, so it would take years at this point for any message to reach Earth, even if we could achieve stopping the ship and staying exactly here to fix our location."_

_"And it isn't like 'Star Trek' and we can simply be beamed back to Earth," added the voice who asked the question of Doctor Sato. "We're going to have to face some harsh realities. We are off-course in deep space and cannot get back. Our only hope is to find an inhabitable planet out here and make the best of things."_

_"Surely we're not giving up?" asked Latimer._

_"No, 'giving up' would be sabotaging all the hibernation pods, then going to sleep and never waking up," the first disgruntled voice replied, "which would be preferable to starving to death. Or maybe someone could only sabotage your hibernation pod, Latimer, and put everyone out of their misery." There was the sound of things being thrown around and hitting the walls, along with raised voices and shouting. The shouting Richard was all too familiar with; Jeremy, James, and himself had been together a couple of decades, and their personalities could cause friction; it was just the nature of the beast with them. In a way they were like brothers, and brothers are capable of pushing each other's buttons. Add in the dynamics of James and Richard being a couple (and over the years they'd had a few right corkers between them too). But, despite all their debates and bickering, there was only one time Richard could remember something truly bad, a row where all three actively tried to hurt the other two, a genuine, hissy catfight._

**Ain't It a Drag**

In a period before it happened, there had been a lot of turmoil in Jeremy's life. His mother had died. His marriage, which for awhile had just been teetering on the edge as it was, had finally fallen apart and there were the typical emotional traumas of divorce. The BBC was on his ass for every little thing; there had always been some pushback by them whenever someone was offended, but now it was pretty constant and Clarkson had been put on a _final warning._ And now, because of the BBC trouble, and because he'd always been tabloid fodder anyway, Jeremy was being hounded by the tabloids, trying to goad him into a mistake. There had been a serious health scare. All the pressure was getting to him and he'd been drinking a little more than he used to drink. All of it came to a head when Jeremy finally snapped and he'd gone after a producer over a minor issue. The BBC suspended him and cancelled work on the next episode.

All three were practically trapped in their homes by the press for the next few weeks while a decision was made about the future and Jeremy's behavior. Jeremy, seeing how he'd been the problem, called everyone who mattered and apologized, but there was knowledge, unspoken and dark, that this time Jeremy faced a big consequence for his actions. Still, when the decision had come down to fire Clarkson while saving face and not actually firing him, the final pronouncement had knocked the wind out of everyone. 

Andy managed to sneak James and Richard out of the house to meet Jeremy someplace private. Clarkson had insisted on it, considering their livelihoods were dramatically affected. They met at a warehouse somewhere outside London; to Richard it had to be close to Wales, pretty close to the Severn Bridge. When James and Richard walked in, Jeremy was sitting on a chair, next to a fire barrel to keep warm. Two other chairs were across from him. "Hammond, May," he acknowledged them. "Have a seat." Each took a seat and waited patiently. It took a moment or two, then Jeremy sat forward in his chair and began. "Guys, I fucked up. I was a right arse about things and I fucked everything up."

"That goes without saying," James muttered. In the empty warehouse the sound carried so that what he said was loud and clear. The comment caused Richard to look at him in slight surprise. "How did you think that was going to go, Clarkson?" He asked pointedly. "You were drunk, you were behaving like a diva, then you got physical with someone who simply told you to calm down. Surely you didn't think you'd slide by on it?"

"No," Jeremy replied. "But I didn't expect all...this. And I don't expect you two to quit in protest out of some kind of loyalty to me."

"It's not a matter of loyalty, really," Richard stated. "The dynamic just wouldn't work. The viewers see us as a trio. We work that way. Just us two, or us and a replacement would change the chemistry. So there's no option, no matter what they offer."

Jeremy's eyes widened. "They made an offer for you to stay?"

"Yeah, mate," Richard answered. "It was a substantial increase. But both of us pretty much thought at the same time it really wouldn't be good. So we said no."

Jeremy sat back in the chair and hung his head. "I can't believe you're just willing to walk away from the show, because I'm not there," he said softly.

"Don't make it sound like we're just the Three Musketeers on this," Richard replied firmly. "You have to know how unbelievably pissed I am at you." Jeremy sighed and continued to stare at the floor. "We had a contract worked out for three more series. We were going to do them and have it done and all of us were going to walk away happy. But you had to go sabotage all of it. Does it give you that much joy, to fuck everything up like that? Play around with lives and careers just because you can?"

Jeremy looked up into Hammond's face. "Have you even paid attention to the shitstorm I've gone through lately?" He demanded. "My life hasn't exactly been a stroll through Hyde Park! But I guess you wouldn't see it, considering how far you've had your head up May's arse! Or is that your current favorite sexual position?" Richard's eyes flashed with sudden anger; it was all he could manage to not knock the bastard out of the chair.

"Last I looked, your fucked-up life was of your own making," James interjected. "And it's no excuse for treating your mates like shit. This doesn't just affect you, or Hammond and me. It affects Wilman, and Brian, and Porter, and Flash, and everyone in the office who've put up with your bullshit for years and covered for your behavior. Maybe you should stop feeling sorry for yourself and consider how your hissy fit affected them, too."

"Though if you'd considered those around you a little more, you might not have gotten physical with a producer after getting shitfaced," Richard added.

"Oh, that's rich, coming from you two!" Jeremy reacted bitterly. He stood and paced around. "You weren't thinking much about those around you and how it might affect them when you were playing Hide the Wedding Vegetables with each other while Hammond was still married, were you?! You didn't think how it would look if you got caught, least of all by your wife, Hammond! 'Oh look at me, I have a perfect life in Wales with a perfect house and a perfect wife and a perfect little family, and a perfect little side piece at work that nobody knows about, because I'm short and women think I'm cute and adorable'! And what about you, May?! Getting your little feelings hurt every day Hammond wouldn't profess his undying love for you, because he was afraid it would get back to Mindy and she'd divorce his arse and take him for everything when he probably deserved it!"

"You're the one to talk about 'side pieces', Clarkson!" James thundered, his eyes bright and hard. "Just how many side pieces did you have in your marriage?" Jeremy stormed up to James, staring hard at him, and it appeared for all the world like the two of them might come to blows; James did nothing but return the same heated glare.

"Okay, stop, stop," Richard interrupted; he knew if these two larger men really wanted to go at each other, he couldn't physically separate them. He also knew it was rare that James would ever spoil for a fight, but could defend himself if needed, though he also figured James could take Jeremy if it came down to it. "Look, we all know we've said and done things that are selfish and had the potential to hurt a lot of people," he stated, trying to sound reasonable. "It's easy to dig all that up and use it as a weapon, because we're all upset and in shock and don't know what's happening next. We're all bastards here, yeah? Let's not end up saying things to each other that will simply make things worse."

"Why, because some of the things being pointed out here are things you've done?" Jeremy replied. "It's okay to have a go at me, at what I've already acknowledged was an incredibly stupid thing, but when I point it back at you, to make it out that I'm not the only arse around here, that's a problem? Sounds to me like you're still pissed and just blaming me for every little thing that's gone wrong."

"It's not a fucking little thing, Clarkson!" Richard nearly screamed. "You don't get it--you just don't get how big all this is!"

Wait-- _I_ don't get how big this is?" Jeremy's eyes narrowed. "I don't get that losing a programme I helped to start is a big deal? Over something I admitted I did? I know how bad this is! I'm the one who called Wilman so I can meet with you two idiots! So _fuck you!_ " 

"No, Clarkson, _fuck you_!" James shouted back, poking Jeremy in the chest. "Of late, all you've done is think of yourself. And it's not just this incident, it's everything you've done in the past few years. Yeah, your life during that time has been pretty shit, but the big difference between you and everyone else when Life's taken a piss on them is the desire to not take it out on those around them. You, you've decided since you're not happy nobody else is allowed to be happy, either. Well, I for one am sick of it, so if you're just going to keep behaving as if you're the only one bad things happen to, I'm not interested in what you have to say. Call me when you decide to remove your head from your arse, mate." James turned and began to leave.

Jeremy felt his heart jump; if James walked away feeling this way, the chances of his return would be zero. And if James walked away, Hammond would, too. "James, please stop," he said, his tone nearly desperate. After a moment James turned back to face him. "I'm sorry, okay? I know how I've been, how maybe I've deserved some of what's happened. I haven't been the best mate to live with." This had the effect of getting the attentions of James and Richard, who were now looking at Jeremy expectantly, waiting for what he'd say next."Look...I am in the wrong, and I admire the loyalty you've both shown to how we work together so you refuse to make the programme without me. But I need to know we can get past all this as mates, because if we can't be mates...well, we may be able to work together on something else, but it just won't be as good. And the first thing we need to do is stop shoving all our past mistakes in each other's faces. Can we do that?" There was silence. "Please?"

Richard looked over to James. '"I think we better agree, quickly," he said. "Otherwise Jezza's going to do that extra-whiny 'please' he does, and I really hate that."

"You mean the one where he gets that pitiful expression on his face and sticks out his bottom lip in a pout, then says, 'pleeeaaaassse'?" James replied. "I hate that, too." He turned back toward Jeremy. "We can try," James relented.

Jeremy released his breath. "That's all I ask," he said softly. "And....thanks."

_It had been a hard moment for them. And it would be a fairytale happy ending to say all bitterness was completely put aside and they never argued again the rest of the time they worked together. But that wasn't a realistic outcome for these three. It wasn't their nature with themselves or the way they worked together. But it had been a beginning, a rare time when they simply allowed the anger to come out, and once it was out they could move forward. The results of their moving forward had been beyond their wildest dreams, but the beginning was raw and tough and a real bitch to confront. And Richard hoped like hell those people in the conference room could see their argument the same way._

_Or they were all screwed._


	7. All My Life

_Richard made sure he wasn't in a position in the room where he could have been eavesdropping before the conference room doors opened. The meeting's attendees appeared calm and acting as if they were getting along, but he knew better; there had been one hell of a reaction in that conference room, presumably from first learning their navigational computer was fubar. As he sat off to himself he knew he hadn't heard everything, but more than enough; there was no way to return to Earth, they were now completely lost in space (without even so much as a robot screaming "Danger, Richard Hammond!" at him, Richard thought with dark amusement), and soon he was going to go into a hibernation pod without knowing when or if he'd ever wake up again._

_His ring hit on the table and made a clinking sound Richard noticed. He still wore the wedding ring James gave to him. It could have gone away awhile back, placed for safekeeping inside a box to be given to his daughters later as an heirloom, but he couldn't give it up; it kept James with him, in a way. A time would come when the only one to remember him would be Richard, and it was okay he was out in the universe like this because James would be carried to others, assuming intelligent alien life existed._

_Richard made a quick mental scan around the room, noting how many others wore ringa, too. He wondered how many of them had memories of marrying their spouses, how many of them simply held onto moments, wrapping themselves with them like security blankets when they simply needed to keep going. How many went to sleep with the wish that loved one would be found sleeping peacefully beside them when they awoke. The memories and wishes were all they had now._

**All My Life**

Neither James or Richard were in a very good mood. It was their anniversary, and they were going to spend it working. There was filming and there was working, an entirely different animal. Filming wasn't really working, though it was hard work. This kind of working was promotion, and they all had to do it. To promote the show, Amazon would send them to interviews and photo shoots, sometimes award shows and, worst of the lot, those parties where they had to suck up to advertisers and media executives and PR people who were only there for the food and cheap booze and the chance to leer at female partygoers and perhaps get laid (if they were lucky and she was desperate), or simply get a picture made with a beautiful woman while groping her arse. Both Richard and James wanted to spend tonight alone, preferably groping each other's arses and leering at each other. But it was an event that had been planned months in advance, Amazon really didn't ask for much in exchange for receiving the budget they wanted to make the show, and as much as Richard and James really didn't want to do this, at least Jeremy and Andy Wilman were forced to do it, too.

So there were all four men, mingling in the reception hall with the corporate types and junior executives and the sleazy wannabes, all schmoozing. This was a time Richard wished he had Mindy with him, who was beautiful and could work a room full of men with relative ease. James...not so much on working the room. James craved solitude, finding the energy of the crowd draining, and he was touch-averse around strangers Andy was used to schmoozing as part of his job, then later would agree with the remark made by an American politician who famously said men needed strong women around because without them, men alone together too long turn into morons. James really couldn't stand obviously stupid people--not _uneducated_ , but the deliberately ignorant and obtuse, who were perfectly content to see the world only in a narrow lane and never look beyond, to understand there was something more out there and maybe they should learn a new thing to expand the world just a bit. There were far too many obviously stupid people in the world right now, and too many obviously stupid people in this room.

Then there was the Orangutan. Jeremy suffered fools only slightly longer than James, and he let people know it, too. His biggest targets, though, tended to be those in position in their minds only, the overly self-important; at gatherings like this they were usually low-level executives who were desperate to move up the ladder but genuinely lacked the talent to do it on merit. So they tended to make busy work--focus groups and marketing analyses and memos --while waiting to expose their vulnerability. Richard had wanted to sit back and watch Jeremy pick them apart, but then he had to remind himself he'd once been one of those poor sods in PR and in Radio, who probably would have ended up the same kind of low-level executive had that Orangutan and said ape's friend not given him a chance. And he wouldn't have met the Spaniel across the room whose ring he now wore, whose very life seemingly flowed through his veins and felt he really couldn't live without.

Richard and James had only intended to stay a short period of time before excusing themselves and enjoying what was left of their anniversary alone. But both found they were enjoying themselves at this party. The people they had to kiss up had thinned out before too long, the slezeballs looking for women to sexually harass either gone home lonely or to find a hotel room. The partygoers left were people they were content to be around, and Amazon had spent money on an excellent DJ who was playing a variety of music. And okay, Richard and James were both a bit squiffy, but neither seemed to be in a hurry to leave, in fact they'd taken to dancing with each other some off in a dark corner. Of course they were men who didn't necessarily dance, so it consisted of little more than rocking back and forth to the music. But they were dancing.

The DJ began to play a George Harrison-like ballad, something all four recognized. It had been played at Hammond's and Slow's wedding reception, the tropical breeze warm and soft around them as they shuffled around the dance floor together. Actually nobody remembered who might have requested the song back then, or if it had been requested at all. But it was a perfect song, not just for the moment, but of what was between them, an emotional retelling through song:

_All my life I was looking for you,_  
_Suddenly you were there._  
_All my life I knew what I would do,_  
_Just stand there like a fool and stare._

Richard looked directly into the glowing blue eyes James possessed, a man walking in his own memories. His expression was soft, a gentle smile full of joy and tenderness, a look he usually gave Richard in private. For James, they were indeed in private, a look and a moment inside a bubble, nobody else around them. Richard nearly felt his heart burst. He never had to be reminded of how deeply James loved him, had loved him so long. And Richard couldn't believe that somehow he had managed to find this twice; what could he have possibly done to deserve this at all? Yet it was there right in front of him, in the form of a man who could be infuriating and pedantic and so old in mentality people wondered if he'd stepped into a time machine a century ago. A man who deliberately argued with him, who was contrary just because it made a better conversation. And yet Richard couldn't help but be overwhelmingly in love with him.

 _I'm so glad I found you._  
_I just want to be around you_  
_All my life._

_They'd gone home after that and made love the rest of the night, knowing they always wanted to be together, the silent promise between them there was only one thing that could ever part them. All those years together, as coworkers and mates and partners in crime and drinking buddies, and there was only one thing that could successfully separate them. Who could believe it would happen so soon?_


	8. I'm Leaving You

_The ship continued to move farther away from Earth, from communications and potential rescue. Pondering the inevitable fate of himself and his fellow colleagues, Richard's thoughts fell onto the concept of regrets in his life. Like anyone he had his fair share, big and small. Not calling it a day and going for that last run at Elvington...not turning left fast enough at Hemburg...not getting his head out of his arse any faster and hurting Mindy and his daughters and James all at the same time...regret._

_Right now, taking that stupid phone call._

**I'm Leaving You**

Andy Wilman stepped out of the editing room, rubbing his face in exhaustion, realizing to himself for the millionth time he really wasn't getting any younger. The footage was excellent, and herein was the problem, trying to figure out which bits to add or cut. It was an amazing problem to have, really. Right now he simply needed some tea and a break to think about what sequence he wanted again.

The guys were all in the office today, but working on different things: Jeremy was with Richard Porter, punching up a script outline for the next Amazon project; James was filming a video to post on FoodTribe, their latest venture; Richard was writing his latest DriveTribe entry, but right now was on the phone, talking intently to someone. Richard finished his call with a very studied inward look on his face. It wasn't a negative turn inside, and over the years Andy had seen when Richard's thoughts inside had become quite dark and negative. Andy, however, had been talented enough at reading his mates, though, to realize Hammond had been given something profound to consider. Potentially life-altering, though not in a bad way.

"What's up, Hamster?" Andy asked him. Andy never called him Hamster, leaving that to Jezza or James, but he knew Richard always reacted to it, and this was something he knew instinctively needed immediate attention.

After a moment Richard looked up at him from his chair. "Andy, can we discuss this...in your office?" he asked, quite seriously. Well, this was serious indeed, Andy considered. His office was someplace even Andy spent no time visiting, preferring to be part of the energy of others. He reserved the room for only a few purposes: meeting new employees for the first time, private calls with his family or Jeff Bezos, reading an employee the riot act (with the occasional firing, quite rare and only for a reason tantamount to murder), or the equally rare bollocking of Jeremy, Richard, or James; a visit to Wilman's office was the equivalent to going to the principal's or headmaster's office in school.

"Yeah, sure," Andy told him. He led Richard to his office and shut the door; whatever it was, he figured Hammond wanted to be private. He sat at his desk, Richard sitting across from him. "Tell me."

Richard looked thoughtful. "I just got a call from NASA," he announced.

"Is there a problem?" Wilman asked, then immediately shook his head; they had been working on a program where all three went through astronaut training, a few rudimentary exercises, mostly, though Andy was smart enough to understand he could never pass. Neither could Jeremy, which is where the comedy lay. James and Richard had gone through a few tests for separate projects before. 

"No problem," Richard told him. "There's a joint endeavor between England and NASA, a space mission. Apparently I did well enough in the tests they've asked me to continue."

Andy blinked. "They want you to train to be an _astronaut_?" Richard had surprised everyone with how well he'd done. It was partially due to his physical condition, much more fit than the average fan believed. He just seemed to take to it like a duck to water. "Not to cast aspersions, Hammond, but..."

"I'm not a scientific megabrain?" Richard offered. "I told them. They said they wanted someone along who was a writer, who could document the event for posterity, a promotional thing." Andy nodded. "There's no guarantee I'd qualify, I'll have to go against other candidates. Chances are they'll find something that makes me unsuitable..."

"But you want to try," Andy added, excited. "Rich, if you turned them down outright, I will fire you!"

"I told them I'd have to consider it," Richard said. Andy stared at him. "There's a lot to consider. I'd have to quit all this, and I hate leaving you in midstream. I have to talk this over with James, and my family, because the training would involve us being apart. And then if I am accepted, God forbid, there are other things to consider. Space exploration--really? This is me and the Vampire dragster all over again, except on steroids."

Andy nodded in agreement. "I do get it, I really do," he replied. "If you were a single man with absolutely no commitments, this would be a no-brainer. You'd jump at it instantly, because there is an adventurer in you. All of us are, to be honest. But this is special, Richard. As much as we love exploring the world, to have one of us have the chance to explore beyond the world...I mean, how many of us get that kind of chance?" There was a moment of silence. "As your boss, I'd hate to lose you. As a mate, however, I have to say...you are absolutely crazy if you don't want to try."

 _And try he did. And he was here. And he was now beyond all hope and help.Looking back, it was certainly not the first time he was in that situation; all the times he'd been in trouble on Earth he was considered beyond hope, and he'd been in places where he was considered beyond help. This, however, felt about as hopeless and helpless as it could be._

_Jeremy once on-camera accused Richard of losing his bottle, meaning he'd lost his courage. "Ever since your last accident, you've lost your bottle," he'd said. Hammond denied it. The bottle wasn't lost._

_The bottle just got sucked out of a damned airlock._


	9. One Step at a Time

_Richard stayed calm while he explained the situation to his camera, knowing someone, somewhere, someday would see it, hopefully one of his descendants on Earth. It had been a near thing, almost explaining in the depths of panic. That wouldn't have been a good thing for any of his loved ones to see, near-hysteria at the knowledge of just how screwed they were. Whenever Richard heard of a disaster on the news, what disturbed him wasn't necessarily the loss of life, but what the thoughts and feelings of the victims had been, knowing what was about to happen to them. The voicemails over their mobiles, the sad notes saying goodbye. Richard didn't want Izzy and Willow's final memory of their father being tearful declarations of love as he went into the unknown, even if that's what he was feeling._

_There was the sure and certain knowledge that he was going to die, lost out here in space. Even if they found a planet that supported human life, and shelter had been set up and food and water arranged and members of the crew did the whole "be fruitful and multiply" thing, they were as good as dead to anyone that matters. The idea haunted Richard, even more than the times after his first accident when he had been haunted by those strange places he visited in his coma. The thought filled him with uncertainty. Richard had indeed faced his own death, more than once, and while he wasn't necessarily afraid of dying it was a type of commitment he wasn't yet prepared to undertake. In fact it was a more monumental commitment than when he'd decided he needed to be with James. Or when Mindy was finally ready to be with a new man again._

**One Step at a Time**

The last bit of road until home, Richard said to himself. In spite of everything this was still home, thank God. Mindy could have made it difficult, he knew that, she was clearly in the right, Richard did cheat on her. She could have been a complete bitch and made sure Izzy and Willow knew the reason Mummy and Daddy divorced was because he had sex with someone else and he actually left _them_ too and now they were divorced from him just like Mummy. But she wasn't that way, not at all. They were still a bit too young to understand all the complexities, of how Daddy and Uncle James had fallen in love with each other and Daddy and Uncle James simply weren't living together in Uncle James' house because they were both lonely and saving money. Both Richard and Mindy had made a mature agreement to raise their children the best way they could, try to keep a united front and never have them doubt the love both parents had for them. There were simply too many dysfunctional adults in the world making dysfunctional children and unleashing them to become everyone else's problem. And yes, Richard could be considered "dysfunctional" (at least since the accident he thought so). But his ex-wife wasn't. So Richard was still an unofficial Welshman visiting his unofficial Welsh daughters in the mock castle they called home. He had his own room set up on the other side of the house, and the Hammonds could still spend time together as a family while also maintaining separate lives.

Richard scooped Izzy and Willow up in his arms as he entered the front room, and Mindy greeted him with a smile and a peck on the cheek. The girls babbled on about school and their friends, the family shared dinner and played games, laughing and enjoying their time together. Finally, the girls were put to bed, giving Richard and Mindy time to talk about adult matters over glasses of wine. The conversation was pleasant, though Richard could sense an underlying sadness in Mindy, and a slight hesitation.

Both were sitting at the kitchen table. Gently, Richard took Mindy's hand in his and squeezed it. "What's on your mind?" he asked, hoping to drag whatever was bothering her into the open. He was expecting either a rebuke of something he'd done or an expression of regret over something in their marriage that might have helped lead to Richard straying; it was something that happened occasionally, though becoming less frequent over time, small steps on a journey.

He didn't quite expect the answer he got. Biting her bottom lip, Mindy announced, "I've met someone, Rich." Richard's eyes opened wide. "He's a fellow parent at Willow's school. His name is Barry, he's divorced, and he just opened a shop in Ledbury."

Richard smiled. "Good for you," he replied. " A first step. So, where do things stand?"

"We've been dating for a couple of months now," Mindy answered, staring at her glass. "It's still early days, but...I like him, Rich. I do. But of course before I have him meet the girls formally, I will run it by you."

"Of course," Richard nodded. "Does he make you happy?" She nodded. "Then, why are you worried?"

It took Mindy a moment to answer. "I think," she started slowly, "it's the realization." She sighed; Richard waited patiently for her to continue. "When we got married I told myself that was it. I was in love with you and even if someone else turned my head for a bit I wasn't available, but none of that matters because I loved you and nobody else was going to turn my head. But now Barry's come along and done that. The fact he's done it is the realization that you and I...we'll never be back together like that, you and me. And no, it's not like I had a secret desire for you to leave James and come back to me."

"It wouldn't have worked," Richard answered softly, shaking his head. "When I first admitted what happened I wanted to keep us together. We were a family. But you were the one to see even if you made the demand I stay away from James we'd end up back together. Then my only choice would have been to lie to you."

"By then I would have been looking for that," Mindy agreed. "So every time you left for a shoot or a taping, knowing James would be around, I would have wondered if you were meeting secretly. I didn't want to spend the time looking through your clothes for receipts or go through your mobile for secret calls. Both of us would have been miserable. I didn't want to put you in the position to destroy yourself again. And all the lying and the guilt was doing that already." Mindy stood and took both the empty glasses to the sink.

After a moment of silence Richard stood and approached her. "I'm sorry for hurting you," he said. "And I never wanted you to be alone forever. You're too good for that."

Mindy shrugged. "I'm sorry our marriage had to come to an end," Mindy replied. There was an unspoken beat, where regrets over what they didn't achieve of a lifetime together, growing old and looking back at their accomplishments, filled the space between them. But then Mindy gave Richard a shy little grin and the beat ended. "But now Barry's come along and I'm free to explore with him. Even if this ultimately doesn't work out, at least I'm free to pursue it."

Richard smiled at her. "I'm happy for you, Mind," he stated, giving her a hug. "Just know, however, if he hurts you or the girls, he'll have to answer to me. Deal?"

_Mindy kept that deal, and then some. Barry turned out to be a wonderful man and fantastic with Izzy and Willow, a full participant while knowing when he should back off and let Richard handle things as a father, perhaps because Barry was a father himself. Mindy and Barry were together almost as long as Richard and James and she ended up marrying him, living happily in Bollitree. Richard and James attended the wedding and toasted the couple, just as Barry and Mindy attended theirs._

_It was the last true happiness Richard shared with him._


	10. Alone in the Universe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has no precursor like the others.

**Alone in the Universe**

James supported Richard throughout his training. He knew Richard was very fit as far back as he knew him, one of the factors which no doubt made it easier to recover from injuries, and his fantasies about Richard's body got James through quite a few lonely nights. Deep down, however, like Richard, James felt all of this was a lark, sooner or later something would end up disqualifying him. For the time being he proudly watched as his husband kept himself in shape, and enjoyed the benefits of his improved strength, stamina, and body.

Like James, Richard's family were in favor of his training for Astronaut Camp, as they put it. Richard had an uncanny ability much of the time to be really good at things even before he knew fully what he was doing. So, it was expected news that he'd impress people with his skills. Like James, however, they believed ultimately the testing and training would become too rigorous to actually make him a real astronaut. They simply put it down to being a very intensive physical fitness program that would get Richard into the best shape of his life. 

And even assuming lead-cored snowballs in Hell actually stayed solid, and Richard passed all the tests, everyone knew he'd turn it down. There was simply too much to keep him here, between his career and his daughters and James. Most especially James. His love story wasn't as personally profound as James, who was destined for a lifetime alone if the right one hadn't come along. But when Richard Hammond loved, he loved completely; what had tormented him while he'd been cheating was as much his inability to be all-in with Mindy as much as his dishonesty. And what ultimately made Richard's divorce from Mindy much less bitter was due to Mindy, now looking from the outside, seeing Richard now fully dedicated to James, not just wanting his freedom to sow wild oats. He'd never be convinced to give up James to leave for several months to potentially be selected for something else that might separate them for a long time to come, maybe even permanently.

***

Richard was off in his own little world, sitting passively as Jeremy used a towelette to wipe blood from his hands, staring straight ahead. There were splatters of blood on Richard's face, too, though Jeremy was unsure if he should really tackle that; no telling if Hammond was going to suddenly come out of his shock and become fighty. Jezza had a couple of moments where he had to stop, because his vision would become blurry and wet. Richard's brother Nick was here, he was the only one of the Hammonds who lived close and could get here quickly. The same with one of James' sisters.

A couple of weeks after Mindy and Barry had finally married, they'd been at the pub in Hammersmith, a few blocks from their house. Jeremy was with them, just wanting company. There had been the typical conversation between them, an argument about electric versus internal combustion supercars. By now James and Richard were quite out, though neither really engaged in PDA, and it was James' local, a place he'd frequented for many years. Maybe that was why all three felt so safe.

They exited an hour later, planning to walk home. They waited to cross the street until they had the light. As usual James brought up the rear between Richard's quick steps and Jeremy's long strides. All three were laughing. 

A man pulled up at the intersection. "Hey, are you the _Grand Tour_ guys?" he asked.

"Uh, yeah," Jeremy answered. It wasn't completely unheard of for a fan to pull up at a traffic light, or snap a picture as they were walking down the street, but it didn't happen often. It also didn't happen at night.

"How can you have a couple of Nancy Boys on the show?" the man asked, referring to Richard and James. Both Richard and James remained silent. Some kind of response, no matter what, was what these bullies wanted; over the years they'd had to face this criticism, sometimes worse, and they came to the conclusion long ago it was best to keep their mouths shut and not give the satisfaction. 

Jeremy, not so much, though he chose to use humour. "Funny you should mention that," he replied. "As a matter of fact, all three of us have the middle name of Nancy, and we're guys. So I guess there _are_ Nancy Boys on the show." 

This didn't seem to placate the man, who continued his homophobic comments and rants. He was clearly spoiling for a fight and not getting it. As he became more agitated at getting no satisfaction, the more angry and hurtful his slurs. Finally he drove away, just minutes from the house. One final zebra crossing, then the front door beckoned. Jeremy was first, followed by James and Richard together. 

There was a sudden screech, then an engine. The headlights were quickly approaching. It was the angry man from earlier. James made an instantaneous move and threw Hammond forward, out of the way. The car hit James full-on, launching him in the air with a sickeningly loud crash. He slammed down onto the windscreen, rolled over the roof of the car as it continued to speed away, then came to rest on the road. It could only have been seconds from Richard watching to him reaching James' location, but by then the blood was everywhere. By the time the ambulance arrived Richard's clothes were soaked through where he'd knelt beside his husband.

At the hospital, James was taken to immediate surgery, trying to save his life. Jeremy spoke to the police, Richard unable to describe what he saw. He knew James would find it cruelly ironic that the car that hateful bastard was driving was a Fiat Panda. Imagine that...a car loved by the man he loved, whom he had changed his entire life for, leaving a stable marriage and kids and a quiet life in Wales in a mansion, was the very car that had taken out the man whose love prompted him to do it.

Richard heard nothing during that period of shock. Jeremy cleaned his hands and Richard heard no sound. Nick talked to him, trying to comfort him the way a brother would, and he heard nothing. Andy showed up, talking to Jeremy, and he heard nothing. There was silence, except for the sound of James' voice in his head, his laughter and nonsensical singing when he got deeply involved doing something like working on his motorbike or playing the piano or putting together the ingredients for a shepherds pie, the tenderness in his voice while holding Richard close at night or making love. 

The only voice Richard heard was the doctor who entered the room. Then the first thing he heard was, "...the damage was simply too extensive..." 

The next sound Richard heard was the sound of his own screaming.

***

There had been an extended period of mourning. Not just the funeral and memorial service for the public, the shutdown of the production, the sorting of insurance and James' will and his personal items, but the bastard who killed James had been caught. The wheels of Justice always seem to turn slowly; to Richard it seemed to be too long. Eventually, though, he got to describe what he saw in court, the man was convicted, then he was sent to prison.

In the meantime, to keep himself from sinking any further into depression, Richard threw himself into training. He needed the distraction from the torment, and right now his life was a torment. Richard had lost his husband, all those years of love and care and friendship gone with him. James was gone because he didn't react first, the one time he needed to make the choice to react like a fighter pilot (As he'd once said after his first accident) and he couldn't. And because he froze, because the one who shouldn't have been taken was taken, so many others had lost their livelihoods. Richard had a choice to make: either he could spend the rest of his days drowning his sorrows with gin-and-tonic, or he could do what James had encouraged him to do. Richard chose to obey his husband's wish, or at least he hoped he was doing that. Even so, he still believed there was little chance he would actually qualify.

Imagine his--everyone's--surprise when he actually did.

So off to America for more intensive, specific training. The doubt started over again. NASA was very thorough in the process of selecting astronauts. Between the physical and psychological screening, there had to be something wrong. He was going to try, because James would want that, but there really was no way. This was simply too important, a mission to Mars to set up a habitat for future use; no matter how well-known he was, he was just a chavvy urchin compared the great intellects and scientists and pilots training with him. At night, however, as he was drifting off to sleep, he reminded himself there were scientists and pilots and great minds here because they were the ones who'd fly the thing and do all the scientific work and build the habitat; if he went along his job would be to document it, write about their experiences and the planet and the people who were there, he would just be the promotional face to the mission. Surely he could be and do that.

***

He was selected, and it was a shock. He asked four times over the phone if it was real before they'd convinced him it was. The first calls were to his daughters, who congratulated him, followed by his brothers. Then a call each to Jeremy and Andy. Then he realized the one he'd wanted to share the news with the most wasn't with him anymore, and the grief he'd channeled into training for so long hit him hard. Richard wept for nearly an hour, missing James terribly.

The discussions with family and mates about the realities of the mission would prove difficult, something Richard was prepared to handle. For one, the trip to Mars would take awhile, well over a year, and then there was the time on the planet and the return. Anything could happen on the surface of Mars itself, the environment was harsh and inhospitable. Not to mention the idea that while taking off they were sitting on top of a flying bomb that could kill them all. Richard acknowledged all these risks and reminded them of his sense of adventure, the one that had him going all over the world playing with cars. He knew there were risks, but he'd faced risks before. What Richard didn't tell them was the fact James was gone, and right now he'd much rather not be on a planet where he wasn't; in the future, perhaps, but not right now. Jeremy suspected this, and frankly he didn't feel it to be his place to argue with it. He missed James, too, and if he had the chance to take a vacation from Earth for awhile, he'd volunteer.

So it was with heavy hearts a group made their way to Cape Canaveral and spent their last hours with Richard before his mission. It became an entry for his video log, though his most personal goodbyes would be in private. Even if those moments were emotional, all were loving and supportive, excited for the adventure Richard was prepared to undertake, and proud that he had achieved what even James had so completely and enthusiastically wanted. They gathered with all the other families, and indeed a planetwide audience, to witness the launch, knowing human history was taking place, their first journey beyond the moon. The takeoff was perfect, thunderously beautiful and immensely powerful and profound. Everyone continued to stare up into the sky until long after they were out of sight.

_And now he was here, long past Mars and heading beyond the solar system. It had all gone wrong while everyone was hibernating, counting on the computers to fly them safely to Mars, waking them up just before reaching their goal. The computer did indeed awaken them, but the ship had long since gone past, inexplicably increasing its speed, and the navigation system had taken the ship so far off course nobody was quite sure where they were in the beginning. Before all but the nonessential crew had been left awake for the first watch, they at least had an idea of where they were and their ultimate direction, but there was consensus each moment was removing them from rescue, from hope of ever seeing loved ones again. For his part Richard had taken this sanguinely, other than the knowledge his daughters would face adulthood alone. He wasn't going to find the one he wanted out here._

_Richard decided very little was left to keep him out of the hibernation pod. Taking his small camera into the chamber where Jones, Cooper, and Harper were already asleep in their pods, possibly to never awaken again, Richard adjusted the viewing screen and began recording._

_"So, here we are." He paused. "To say this idea scares me shitless is an understatement. I've always tried to face dying head-on, all of you know that. Right now I'm going to sleep with a chance of never waking up again. The ship could crash, we could all eventually starve to death, or the others may decide to wait until the nonessentials are hibernating peacefully, then engage in a bit of humane treatment. That sounds pretty fucking dark, I know. Isn't space exploration supposed to be all full of hope for the future and all that?" Another pause._

_"Assuming this really is it, and assuming somehow this message finds it's way to Earth many, many years from now, I think it's time for a few personal messages. To my daughters Isabella and Willow...this is the first time I've made the promise of returning to you and I didn't keep it. I'm sorry. You both are so much stronger and better than me. You're going to need to find that in yourselves now to get you through life, but you can do it. To Mindy, and Barry, just love each other and be happy. You both deserve it. To my brothers and the Hammond and May family, I love you, and your love has come out here with me. Give it to each other. And to Andy Wilman and Jezza..." He shrugged, "thank you, for everything. The life I've had, the chance to explore, all these stars and galaxies, all this wonder out here, you've given it to me. Don't get caught up on the ending, because there are always possibilities out here. Who knows? Maybe I'll even see James again."_

_A moment later Richard turned off his camera, making his final preparations and setting the pod's controls. He climbed onto the comfortable mattress and relaxed._

_He wondered if this was really how it felt to die. James had once been in Japan and saw an exhibit involving computers and animation that was so unspeakably beautiful he questioned if the Afterlife was really like that. Now he was going to hibernate among the splendor of the universe and possibly realize he'd made it to the place that was even more beautiful than the Lake District. Another moment later the lid closed automatically and eventually sleep found him._

***

_"Hammond?"_

_Richard became vaguely aware of someone shaking him gently awake. James. "Let me sleep, please," Richard answered groggily._

_He heard James chuckle next to him. "Always hard to wake up if you've been sleeping heavily," he said. "Wake up, Hammond. It's beautiful, you don't want to miss it."_

_Richard finally opened his eyes. What he saw was indeed beautiful: a vast expanse of stars and nebulae and galaxies surrounding his pod, seemingly floating in endless space. And there was James next to him, the biggest surprise of all. And to Richard he was just as beautiful as any galaxy or nebula or star system."James?" he whispered. "Am I dead?"_

_James smiled. "No," he answered, his voice calm, those gorgeous blue eyes glittering and seemingly reflecting the universe around him._

_"Has my pod been jettisoned into space?"_

_"No. This is an effect. You're still on the ship, still in hibernation, but you're dreaming."_

_Richard frowned. "But that means you're just a dream," he replied. "You're not real." He sighed heavily, feeling like any second he could burst into tears; those tears came when James had died, so hard and endless he'd believed when he finally stopped crying he would never be able to cry again. "Who am I kidding? You can't be here anyway, you're dead."_

_James' response was to reach over and softly kiss him, caressing his cheek with his fingers; Richard could feel his husband's soft lips, the slight stubble on his chin, and the gentle touch of those fingers, sensations Richard had missed for so long. "Does this feel like a dream to you?" he asked, amused. "Unreal?"_

_"But..." Richard stammered. He blinked, trying to gather his thoughts. "How?"_

_James couldn't help but chuckle at that. "Weren't you the one who said there are always possibilities out here?" he asked. "Here is a possibility for you. I am as real, and as here, as you wish. And you don't have to be lonely anymore."_

_Richard's eyes again welled with tears. "Can you really be here with me?" he asked, realizing he'd felt completely, entirely alone for such a long time, and all it had taken was the presence of the one he loved so fully to make him aware of it._

_"I have been waiting for you to find your way out to me," James said gently. "There are so many places to go, so many wonders to show you. And we can find new places to explore, together. But, to do that, you must be what you've always been, and that's unafraid."_

_Richard shook his head. "I've always been scared," he replied. "The real James would know that." Doubt crept into his consciousness, wondering if he was indeed in a hibernation dream and James was only part of his imagination, or if some alien presence read his thoughts and gave him this image._

_"And knowing how scared you were, you did it anyway," James responded. "You were scared at Elvington in the jet car, then you did it. You were scared all through winching the Land Rover up the dam, but you did it. And you were scared to love me, knowing what it meant to be in love with a man, but you did." James faced Richard. "Rich, I am as real, and as here, as you wish me to be. What comes next, though, is beyond what you know. We can face it together. Do you trust me?"_

_It took a moment. Richard suddenly understood what James was asking of him, to let go of everything and to simply be. Whether it was in a corporeal form or not, if the worlds they'd explore had a purple sky and moons, James simply needed for Richard to accept and take his hand and trust him completely. It wasn't entirely unlike the first night they were together; he simply had to have faith James would not hurt him. "I belong to you, James," Richard answered, taking James' hand into his._

 _James smiled and caressed the side of Richard's face. "We belong to each other, Hammond," he answered back._

_Richard suddenly felt free. Free from everything: the constraints of his pod, the confines of the ship, even the limitations of his own body. He was with James, out there in the universe. It could be such a lonely existence, yet he was with the one he wanted to be with._

_"James?"_

_"Yes?"_

_"Do you know where we're going?"_

_"No. Even out here I have no sense of direction. But we're together." There was a pause. "Are you scared?"_

_And Richard could honestly say he was not._


End file.
